paint with the violet of your soul
by zanykingmentality
Summary: Is she blue, or is she red? Or maybe she a little bit of both, like him, and when they join together, their purples are more vivid than life.


Katara has been called the blue one, while Zuko is the red. But sometimes, like now, she can't help but think they're mistaken. They haven't seen Katara, when she's picked a fight for what might be the last time, looking at Zuko, who shakes his head. When her anger's run away again, and it's almost too late to draw back. They haven't seen Zuko, whose gentle, raspy voice calls to her from any crowd, finds her no matter where she is.

She is the fiery red anger, and he is the calming blue.

And still, there are times when the people who say that she is blue – they're right, too. She is the soothing ship bell that brings Zuko back from far away, when he's so lost in his thoughts and anger that he can't swim straight. And he is the raw passion, the red will, the _chaos_ , that she finds herself so mesmerized by.

No one said the ocean couldn't be chaos, too.

She joins Aang and Appa for flights sometimes, when they land on islands and eat fruit off the trees. They exchange affectionate glances, but deep down, Katara knows she doesn't mean it the same way he does, though she wishes she could. She thinks she _should_. And she knows this will hurt him more than it will help. But soon, he leaves, too, with Sokka.

They say tearful goodbyes, and they're not sure when they'll meet again. But they know, eventually, they will.

"Are you sure you don't want to come with us?"

She pauses, still uncertain. Then her eyes steel, and she's made up her mind. "I'm sure. I'm not going to leave yet."

Sokka looks like he's going to press her, but he doesn't. He gives her one last hug and climbs aboard Appa with Aang.

She watches them go, nostalgic, knowing she should be with them, just like old times. But strangely, she doesn't want to be.

She sees Zuko in the hallways, always offers him a polite bow. He usually reciprocates, sometimes with nothing more than a simple head nod. But he always acknowledges her. She likes that. Maybe because it's from him.

But no matter how much she ventures through the twists and turns of the palace, no matter how much she uses her skills in the House of Healing, she can't find out what it is she's staying here for. Why she is here. What she needs to accomplish. Without the Avatar, she doesn't know what her goal is.

She decides she wants to see Iroh at the Jasmine Dragon. It's quite a journey, but she figures she won't be missed at the palace, other than the occasional talks she has with Zuko and the help she offers in the House of Healing. She's talked to Iroh only a few times, but it's enough to make her miss his laid-back personality, his love for tea, his boundless wisdom.

It's during an awkwardly quiet breakfast that she brings this up. She and Zuko are the only ones of Team Avatar to stay in the Fire Nation for so long, and Katara feels guilty for leaving Zuko alone, if only for a while.

It's been a month since Sokka and Aang left. Katara feels the space in her heart that they will always occupy, and smiles to herself.

"Zuko," she says, quietly. So quietly, she doesn't know if he can hear her. But he does. He looks up from his breakfast and stares at her with eyes encouraging her to speak. Even so, she falters, the guilt clinging to her chest difficult to let go of. "I… think I'm going to go to Ba Sing Se."

An emotion passes through Zuko's eyes – it's fast, so Katara can't identify it. She knows he doesn't like this knowledge; they're a team, they stick together.

 _And look at our team sticking together_.

"I'll be back… soon. I just have to sort some things out."

Zuko looks at her with sad, sad eyes, like he wishes she would talk to him instead of going on a journey of discovery. Katara wants to shake off that notion as her mind playing tricks on her. Oblivious to her current internal struggle, he says, "Okay. When do you leave?" His voice laced with… something that Katara pretends not to hear.

"Three days," she muses. "That seems like enough time." Zuko nods, resigned. By now, Katara thinks she can read him well enough. But still, he is mysterious enough. Enough, enough, enough. He should be enough. But it's not, right now, _he's_ not.

Boat tickets are easy enough to get. She doesn't need to be seen off by Zuko – in fact, she'd prefer he didn't go to all the trouble, what with his Fire Lord duties and all – but he insists, and once he'd looked at her with his amber eyes, she'd found she couldn't say no.

So here she is, with Zuko, standing at the loading dock in front of the ship. "How long will you be gone?" he rasps, even though he's asked this question several times already. The same emotion flits through his voice that has been appearing for the past few days; Katara still pretends she can't hear it. She wants to reach out and grab his hand.

"A few weeks." She bumps his hip with her own. "Don't miss me _too_ much."

She intended it as a joke, but Zuko seems to have taken it seriously. He pulls her close into a hug, and she can feel her heart and his beat together, loudly. _Thump thump. Thump thump._ She reciprocates, wrapping her arms around his neck. His hands rest at her waist and it's never felt so _right_ to hug someone.

The boat whistle blows, and the man at the ramp declares the last call for anyone with tickets. Zuko is hesitant to let her go, but she pulls away before he gets a choice in the matter. "I'll be back before you know it," she says, as calmly as she can, before she hugs him again and dashes off. Leaving him staring at the dust stirred by her steps.

He wants to reach out to her and pull her back. But this is her journey. She will do what she needs to do.

The Jasmine Dragon is bustling and Iroh is busy, so Katara considers coming back in later. The tea is calming, but she wants to consult Iroh, wants to know what cryptic words of wisdom he has to offer her. And now that she's here, she feels an indescribable urge to learn to play Pai Sho. She sees a man in the corner of the room leering at her chest, and she wants to pulverize him with her waterbending. She doesn't, though, and takes a seat.

Her tea comes quickly. Iroh is quick and businesslike, but also friendly, when managing the shop. He needs to be, especially now, when there are so many customers. His tea may as well be legendary.

She sips it until the room is nearly empty. It's been hours; she's ordered more than five refills at this point, and she doesn't know if she can wait any longer. It's then that Iroh beckons her into the living area.

To her surprise, she sees Toph sitting on the floor, her dirty soles and green attire appearing right at home. Katara can't fight the smile rising on her face at the sight of her friend, and it's all she can do not to hug Toph and never let go.

"Hey, Sugar Queen, that you?" Toph's voice carries through the room. Katara's smile only widens at the nickname; in a time that may have been forever ago, the nickname may have annoyed her, but now it's a reminder of the time they spent together. Arguing, fighting, fearing for their lives… Yes, those were good times.

"What can we do for you, Katara?" Iroh says. "You look troubled."

"I'm…" Katara doesn't know how to vocalize how she feels. She realizes it would have been easier to talk to Zuko, who was always so close by; but he's always busy with his work, and she doesn't want to trouble him with her affairs. Not when he has so much else to worry about. "I don't know," she whispers quietly. Her smile is smaller now, strained.

Iroh starts to brew another pot of tea. Katara thinks she's had enough tea today to last the rest of the month, but she doesn't protest; this is Iroh, tea is his life, and she will accept that. Just as he and Toph will accept her. _Have_ accepted her.

She sees blue and red in this room, in the paintings, in the sky just outside, in her eyes and Iroh's robes and even Toph's dirty soles. They are all red and blue, she thinks, they are all purple. Toph is a sunset, Iroh is a sunrise.

Iroh sets the mug on the table, and she takes a seat. Toph wiggles her toes. They're both waiting for her to spill, but they're waiting patiently. They give her as much time as she needs, and she's thankful for that.

"I guess I'm… lost?" The words feel foreign in Katara's mouth. So long she's been a mother figure, so long she's had to keep quiet for the rest of the group, that saying how she really feels is almost foreign to her. "I don't know what I need to do. Helping Aang defeat Fire Lord Ozai was my purpose, but now… I feel like I've lost that."

Toph laughs; Katara glares at her, then remembers the blind girl can't see her withering stare. Katara counts Toph lucky.

Iroh thoughtfully takes a sip of his tea, pausing for what feels like a long time. The wrinkles on his face are more pronounced; Katara takes a moment to appreciate just how old he must be. And still he keeps going, finds passions, works hard.

She can't stop her thoughts from straying to Zuko for a split second.

"Your destiny isn't one that you can find," Iroh says finally. "You choose what happens. You must act on how you _feel_."

How _does_ she feel?

She feels angry, and left behind. She feels guilty, like she's left someone behind, like she's passed up an opportunity. She feels… She feels…

She feels like she wants to see Zuko. She feels like she wants to apologize for being so _oblivious_.

But she can't go back yet. This is only the first day on her month of discovery; she gets the rest of the week to figure out who she is, and what she wants. Then it's a week of sailing back to the Fire Nation.

"Thank you, Iroh," she breathes. She's not sure if he heard, but he looks at her and smiles kindly.

She visits the Jasmine Dragon every day. She is greeted with kindness. Most days Toph is there, but once Katara is greeted by Aang. His eyes are mixed with so much emotion when their eyes meet: hurt, ecstasy, adoration, fury. So many more that Katara doesn't have the willpower to process. Maybe once, she would have searched. She stares at him and he stares back; they don't say anything, but their silence stretches out until Iroh comes back with the tea and says, "Katara, have you discovered anything…"

Katara doesn't speak directly to Aang until he shows he's comfortable speaking to her. His voice holds an undertone of heartache – and how Katara wishes she could help him, she knows the feeling all too well – but they can converse normally. He's interpreted her refusal to go with him and Sokka as a rejection. Katara knows she should feel something more, but she's just relieved she doesn't have to formally reject his affections. And he's feeling well enough to tell her this, for which she feels even more relieved.

 _(But she knows his mind is chanting_ how could you I loved you _over and over.)_

She asks him where Sokka is; he says her brother is on Kyoshi Island, most likely kissing Suki's makeup off. They laugh about this, and for a moment it feels as if none of the awkwardness has occurred between them at all.

Iroh learns that Katara is steady. She proves to him that she is figuring out what she wants – she wants to talk to Zuko, she wants to waterbend, she wants to help people – and he is impressed with her progress every day. She is nowhere near done. She doubts she will ever be done trying to figure out her purpose, or what drives her. But if there's anything she's learned during this week with Iroh, it's that she doesn't have to figure _all_ of it out yet. Just this much is enough.

Toph learns that Katara can let loose. They spend a day out in Ba Sing Se, doing whatever strikes their fancy – they even go bowling, something Katara didn't even know existed until now. Toph is annoyingly good at it.

 _("Finally, something we can do without sight!")_

Leaving is harder than Katara hoped it would be. At the same time, it's sweet: leaving reminds her to cherish the memories of the times she spends with her friends.

Katara learns Aang is stronger than she'd once thought.

 _"You're going back to the Fire Nation?"_

 _"Yeah."_

 _"Oh, okay."_

 _"You're welcome to come with, if you'd like."_

 _"No, thanks. Appa, Momo, and I are gonna search for airbenders. Maybe airbending can even make a comeback!"_

 _"That would be great!"_

 _"How about a hug for the ride?"_

 _"…Sure."_

She feels the breeze on her face, and helps push the boat forward with her bending, and she's never felt better. Nostalgia worms its way into her heart once again, but this time, she welcomes it with open arms.

Zuko is waiting for her at the dock when she disembarks. She wants to leap into his arms, but she restrains herself.

Iroh is the sunrise, Toph is the sunset. Aang is periwinkle. She thinks Sokka could be orchid. All the people she's met are shades of purple. And still, she can't figure out what she and Zuko are.

She walks onto the dock as calmly as she can, but she wants to break down. Remembering his support in avenging her mother, remembering how he _took a lightning bolt for her_. She feels neglectful, ungrateful. And despite all that, he stands there with a soft smile ingrained on his features.

If there's anything she's learned in Ba Sing Se, it's to accept thoughts as they come. So she doesn't even think about it when she leans forward and presses a chaste kiss to Zuko's lips.

Too late, she realizes what she's done. Zuko's cheeks are flushed bright red; he's rubbing his neck, a nervous sign of his. Katara can only think about how she's definitely screwed up badly on this one, he's probably still with Mai, probably still loves someone who is _not Katara_ , and the thought on its own makes her want to hide in a corner.

Zuko reacts slowly. Katara's entire being is being consumed by heat – she's not even a _firebender_ – and Zuko's face is getting closer and closer, and his eyes are shut, and his lips are on hers and maybe he loves her too _._

It's gentle, and it's warm. His hand comes up to cup her cheek and she stands there almost stock-still, her only movements subtle, moving her lips against his, the rise and fall of her chest as she breathes.

They break apart and Zuko rests his forehead against hers, his eyes still shut tight. "Hey," he says simply.

"That's all?" Katara says breathlessly. "'Hey?'"

Zuko exhales in what could pass as a short laugh. "Yeah. Hey."

Katara is laughing, too.

She thinks she knows what color she is, now. If she is red, and blue, she is lavender, and Zuko is lilac. They are similar, but different by leaps and bounds, and that's what binds them. They love each other, and that's what binds them.

Lilac and lavender. Red and blue. Opposites, infinitely similar.

Katara doesn't know where they go from here, but they'll figure that out.


End file.
